I cant help but be happy when I talk about her. I can’t. When I talk about her I get this big smile.
She’s my joy, my sunflower, my love, my little lady. She’s my baby girl and she was amazing. She IS amazing.
I was sitting in the dermatology office yesterday and the NP asked about my tattoos. I explained my Zoey arm the best I could, but I never said she passed. I only said she had brain cancer so this is why we, her father and I, got the tattoo of her voice.
I was smiling when I talked about it, and talked about her. I still don’t know how to “pop the cherry” when it comes to telling random people that my daughter died two, almost three, years ago and it’s ok. I told them I don’t know how to not make this awkward and that I make things weird when it gets to this point, but it is really ok.
I mean really it’s not, but what else am I going to say. That I am empty and alone even though I am the happiest in my life that I have been in a very very long time I still have a gaping hole in my heart. NO, you don’t say that to strangers. In the words of Glennon Doyle, “we’re not doing that here.” Which is fine with me.
So the conversation ended and we went back to my skin and that was that. I keep replaying it over in my head, trying to figure out how I could have conducted myself better. How to not make it awkward.
I don’t think I will never not make it awkward unless you are in my circle, because I am an awkward person to begin with. Maybe if I come right out and say, “My tattoos are in honor of my daughter, she had brain cancer and died, or passed because died just feels harsh, a few years ago.” Would that be easier to rip the band aid off for new people. I don’t like saying she died. She didn’t die, she passed from this world that we are in into another world. We don’t know what happens after we die. To say that Zoey died to me, means that she is not coming back; but she is always here with me. So, she’s not dead.
I had a long talk with my dad when I was in Florida a few weeks ago. We talked about what happens when you die. My dad, I love him dearly, sometimes goes for a deep dive into things that may be a tiny bit off kilter; in my opinion. Basically he watches a lot of political YouTube stuff that may or may not be considered conspiracy’s. Anyway, we talked about what happens when you die. I never told anyone in my family how I felt about this because we all went to Catholic school, they all still go to church, except for me, and they all believe that you go to Heaven and that is the end of that.
I told him that I used to believe in Heaven, but now I believe that you go back into the energy around us. That you are with the energy of our ancestors, your family, you are loved, but you are still here. You’re not above us, you’re with us. This may be Heaven. It would feel like love, happiness, like a big long hug from someone you love. It would feel like you’re going to Disney World as a child. That is what I hope what happens when we pass. That I can see my loved ones here but I will be with Zoey and my grandparents.
My dad brought up something similar on our ride to go fishing. That this world is just part of what see, but there is another world, another place after we pass. A different dimension so to speak, that we cannot see, but it is flowing with us and around us. That our loved ones are here with us, and not in a place in the sky. That it may be a Heaven but not the Heaven we were taught in school. He stated he feels we still need to pray and believe in God. While I do not always believe in God I do believe that being a good person and following the 10 commandments is important. I feel that we need be the good, believe that man kind is good, and to try to make a difference in this world. That being a kind human, giving yourself unto others, to help those you can are some of the best traits humans can have. Basically just follow the 10 Commandments.
I think that what I feel and what my dad feels when we die is very similar. He sent me this article which talked about death being an illusion and that we are truly in the same place with those who are not in their mortal bodies anymore. It raises thoughts and ideas and conversations. We both believe that Zoey and his father and my mom’s parents are together and here with us. We believe we will be with them again one day in some form.
I think all of that boils down to why it is so hard for me to say that Zoey died, because she is still here with me. It may be why I make things awkward, since most people don’t openly talk about death and their ideas of the afterlife. No matter what I still make things awkward, and still believe she is here.
No matter what you feel about the afterlife I will support you in those feelings and I will never minimize your feelings or try to change your minds. The same goes with religion and your beliefs. I will even join you in your place of worship if you asked.
Also note that a medium told me when Zoey passed that she is in Heaven, and why don’t I believe in Heaven anymore; why don’t I believe in God. Zoey was with Jesus and everything was beautiful and white but she could paint the colors she wanted. I don’t not believe this, I think though that this world, it may be called Heaven for simplicity sake, but that this is just the world around us that we cannot see and it is beautiful. Maybe there is one God, in a form that all we know, to me it would be Jesus, to others it would be Allah or Buddha. It would be someone that we are use to or except to see. As Zoey went to a Roman Catholic Church she was taught about Jesus and God and the goodness of people. That may be why she was with Jesus. I believe the medium was right in what they were telling me, but I still believe that this is not the same Heaven that I was taught growing up.
Last note, I am glad I could have this conversation with my dad. Not many understand why I feel how I feel after being raise Catholic, but my dad was able to have this conversation with me. It was an open minded conversation that I never expected to have with any member of my family.
The Sunflower and Cancer 